The Monthly Commercial Holiday Cycle
February 21st, 2007
Yesterday I noticed that Target and CVS already have their Easter merchandise out. Easter is on April 8th this year. That means that they’re pimping out the peeps at least 47 days before the holiday! Since retailers are so desperate for holiday cash, let’s establish a clear-cut major holiday every month to save them the embarrassment of promoting the next holiday waaaay ahead of time.
*References to holiday profitability come from this snopes.com page.
January: Super Bowl Sunday
There’s no question of what January’s holiday should be, it’s Super Bowl Sunday. There’s something for everyone - a good game for football fans, and funny commercials for those don’t care about football. It’s also the biggest food day after Thanksgiving. Good luck trying to order that pizza.
Who benefits: The NFL, advertising agencies, Food Delivery, Budweiser, Tostitos.
February: Valentine’s Day
This one’s pretty obvious too. When you get to February you think, “Oh crap! Valentine’s day is coming!” Valentine’s Day is the third most profitable holiday with $13.7 billion dollars in sales. If you’re single, you’re miserable, and if you’re not, you’re checking your balance. If you want to keep your girlfriend, you better get her something special. And what better way to celebrate your love than by getting your girlfriend that special symbol of love that she was conditioned to want by some marketing department?
Who benefits: Girlfriends, Hallmark, Godiva Chocolates, DeBeers, Condom Companies, Pregnancy testers, Singles Bars.
March: St Patrick’s Day
There’s no clear cut holiday for March, so I suggest that the one with the most alcohol wins. On March 17th, everyone can be a little Irish and (bonus!) you also get to punch people who aren’t wearing green.
Who benefits: Guinness, other Irish beer makers, party hat makers, Jeffy McPunchalot.
March/April: Easter
Easter is the 4th most profitable holiday with $12.63 billion in sales. Most people think that Christmas is the most important Christian holiday, but it’s actually Easter, which marks the resurrection of Christ. Churches also have the largest attendance on this day. But for many people Easter is all about the chocolate candy.
Who benefits: Churches, Candy Makers
April: Friendship Day
April also doesn’t have a clear cut holiday. Therefore I propose we establish Friendship Day. If you think about it, most holidays are about celebrating family, but there’s day in the year meant to celebrate your friends. So show all of your friends that they’re appreciated by getting them an expensive gift. Companies would love this, because it’s a little bit like Valentine’s day - if you want to keep your friends, you better get them something. A friend can understand if you’re broke during December and can’t get him/her a gift, but how could you be broke in April? If you don’t have any friends, get a dog.
Who Benefits: Everybody wins! Except your wallet of course.
May: Mother’s Day
Plain and simple, Lord help you if you forget Mother’s Day, you’ll never hear the end of it. Mother’s Day is the 2nd most profitable holiday at $13.8 billion dollars in sales.
Who Benefits: Hallmark, Florists, Jewelers.
June: Father’s Day
Father’s day’s is the 5th most profitable holiday, with $9.01 billion in sales. It’s a simpler holiday. All your father wants is for you to leave him the fuck alone so he can read the newspaper and do his sudoku.
Who Benefits: Phillips (Norelco electric shavers), tie makers, power tool makers.
July: Independence Day
The 4th of July is all about the food, the beer, the orchestra and the fireworks. We remember the day our country was established and the day the aliens blew up the White House.
Who Benefits: The firecracker salesman across the state border, supermarkets, aliens.
August: Me Day
Celebrate the person who you most love in your life: Yourself! Sure, you can get yourself a gift for your birthday or for Christmas, but that’s a little sad isn’t it? There should be a day in the year where you can get yourself that expensive tv or car without feeling guilty. Apple would totally go shit bananas for this one too, because they can rebrand it as iDay. Love yourself, give yourself some Apple.
Who Benefits: Apple, credit card companies.
September: Labor Day
Typically this holiday is for barbecuing and celebrating the fact that the kids are finally going back to school. However, we could totally turn this into a fashion holiday. They say not to wear white after Labor Day, why not
Who Benefits: Clothing retailers
October: Halloween
Ah, the start of the holiday season. Halloween was originally a mixed pagan/religious holiday for remembering the dead. Now it’s all about candy, getting revenge on your principal by egging his house, or making a splash at the party by dressing up as The Crow or Sexy Whatever. Retailers love this holiday, it’s the 6th most profitable holiday at 5 billion dollars in sales. Now where is my candy?!
Who Benefits: Candy Makers, Costume retailers, Toilet Paper manufacturers.
November: Thanksgiving
People called you crazy for investing in turkeys. Who’s laughing now? Wake up early and watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade, spend all day cooking a turkey, watch the Detroit Lions get their asses kicked, spend the evening with your family, and spend the night doing the dishes. To me this is the most interesting holiday because retailers don’t anticipate the days leading up to it, but rather they anticipate the day after. Black Friday, so called because companies finally move from the red into the black, is the biggest shopping day of the year. Lord, we give thanks for this food and these amazing deals!!!
Who Benefits: Turkey farms, Supermarkets, Macy’s, the NFL, and then all retailers.
December: Chrismahanukwanzakah
It’s pretty obvious what December is for: shopping. The winter holidays make up the most profitable season with 457.4 billion dollars in sales.
Who Benefits: Pretty much everybody.
